la la land

“even though you have not entrusted yourselves to god, nor love him with your whole heart, you are obligated to obey what god has to say about what is best for your sex life.” 

love. i remember the expanse of the desert and feeling my heart swell the first time i saw it. it felt like home. God. i could feel him here. all the years of praying and crying and sleepless nights as i waited and waited for the love to come - i felt it here. oh how i loved. how he loves. 

you do not love. i remember my youngest brother, asking why i didn’t love him anymore. like the rug being pulled out from under my soul, i grabbed his hands and asked where he heard that. he had no idea of my love. how could he, at eight years old? daddy said you love your boyfriend now instead of me. i want you to love me. i think about all of the times i have loved and been told that i didn’t. like giving everything you are, and being told that no, it’s still not enough. 

obligated. obligated to stay, obligated to be quiet, obligated to speak, obligated to leave, obligated to trust, obligated to obey. for eighteen years, obligation and i became such close friends that i no longer knew her name. she was simply part of me, blurring the aches and desires into a great depression.