Anonymous: Lauren, I just found out my fiance is addicted to porn. He has already met with a counselor and we are installing software on our computers to protect him. He is starting a recovery program at church next month as well. I’m incredibly shocked by this and didn’t see it coming. I’m really not even sure how I feel. I’m not angry, just hurt and confused. The last thing I want to do is to build up bitterness and a lack of trust in our marriage. What do I do now? How do I protect our hearts?
hi anonymous. i’m so sorry to hear this. :( be encouraged though, that you are both taking great strides to handle this together before getting married - and that you aren’t finding out much later.
i highly recommend finding professional licensed counseling (yes! for you!), and/or a woman that you really respect to talk this through with. ideally, both. the worst way to handle it is to try to get through it “alone.” it’s in the silence that we begin to believe lies about ourself, about god, and about our significant other.
also, know that your heart will pull back a little bit from your fiancé while you work through this initially, and that’s COMPLETELY okay. a lot of us can “smother” what our heart feels in the name of forced or obligated grace. it’s very healthy to choose to forgive your fiancé, but also to reign in your heart and take it to god as you wrestle with what this means to you. giving your fiancé grace and learning to take time for yourself are not mutually exclusive things, so allow yourself that.
much love. xoxoxo